his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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