I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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