I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
