So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
