Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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