I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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