Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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