I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
