How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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