this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
