I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
