my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
