We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
