I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
