I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
