but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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