Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
