Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my poor anus
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
