I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
