After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
