In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
