Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
