just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
