If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Four minutes until I can fart!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
