I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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