I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
