youre lurking in front of me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
