I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
