his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
