Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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