It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
