After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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