The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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