guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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