my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
