i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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