My friends, they love my intelligence
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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