So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
tell me about the fingering
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
