My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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