i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
