I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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