Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
