just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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