I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
