You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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