The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
