It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
