grandma shit on top of the toilet
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
