Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
