I haven't been this sober since birth.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
